Hats vs. Socks

Beer Log

2011-06-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

Since little else in life is worth posting about at the moment I have decided to use this space to record the new (or new to me) beers that I happen to come across. I toyed with the idea of writing it down on paper but that's just a bit too 2010 for my tastes. My alcohol consumption isn't out of control or anything so this will take some time fill up, but Trader Joes and Whole Foods both let you mix and match (so does Kroger late at night) so it's not as though I'll have to drink a million six packs.

It's important to note that I am not a beer expert, tasting snob or beer sommolier, just some guy (like your mom). Also, any suggestions for when to drink it or about what it might replace do not imply similarities to other beers, they are just things I think of when drinking the beer in question.

Anyway, first is Starr Hill "Lucy".
Color is nothing special, your typical cloudy straw color. Lots of head when you pour it and has a carbonationy aftertaste. Kind of a "bud light lime" taste going on, but not as pronounced. Sort of a lightly citrus beer. The label says it's brewed with ginger, "lime flavor" an coriander. I have no clue what coriander is.
This would be an easy substitute for a Corana w/ lime, or good with Mexican instead of Tecate. Would not be worth buying a six pack of, unless to share with others in one of the above situations.

Next is Xingu Black Beer. I can confirm that the name refers to the color of the beer, not it's intended consumers. According to the label it's from Brasil. Nifty.
Very little head, a slight licorice-like smell mixed with a day-old bottle of wine aroma from the bottle. Not Guiness like at all; it's rather thin and light tasting but too sweetsy-dark for my palette so I poured this bastard out. Will never drink this again.

Dropped off the earth

2011-04-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

So I pretty much dropped off the earth it seems after starting that last post. Anyway, I found this online and wanted to save it somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any. It isn't really that cool it's just a random person's response to the most recent news about health care reform.

Let me get this straight . . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't,

Which purportedly covers at least thirty million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,

written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it,

and signed by a President who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect,

by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the hell could possibly go wrong?'

Lesson 2: Germans

2010-05-02T10:05:00.001-07:00

The Germans are large, slow-witted and brutish race the lack of

Learning about other cultures is stupid and boring, but we're going to do it anyway. Lesson 1: US Citizens

2010-04-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

This will be the first in a series of lessons about the many great and varied cultures of the world and what is wrong with or stupid about each of them. Everything will be presented as fact and none of what is written is in the least bit subjective. The purpose of my doing this is ultimately to save you time the next time you have a conversation about people or places; instead of having to think about things and draw your own conclusions you can just borrow mine and regurgitate them as you see fit, much like how most hard-core Republicans parrot Fox Newsisms and Liberal dirtbags do with whatever Obama tells them.

Lesson 1: The US
The US is a large country, predominantly white, that at one point decided that everyone should have the right to do and say whatever they want (which is great). Sadly, that noble basis upon which the country was founded has been twisted into something that has lead people to possess an unbelievable sense of entitlement that makes them think they can have whatever they want, make other people listen to whatever they say and and agree with whatever they do. There is no middle ground reflected in the media. Similarly, there is no longer a place for acceptance of personal responsibilities; everything is someone else's fault.
The people in the US are a largely overweight, monoligual and closed-minded religious lot that choose to believe what they are taught while growing up without regard for how much sense it makes or whether it may or may not be true or even reasonable. Your average American (yes, "American" refers solely to US Citizens) spends most of his or her day watching tv and eating or sitting on his or her ass at work waiting to get home and eat while watching American Idol (including the pre and post show shows).
Like their parents, most children are obese and wear sweatpants.
There are three main colors of Americans with a fourth that seems to be taking over the important roles: White, black, tanish and brownish. White and black people seem to be getting less motivated while the tanish and brownish people are taking their jobs. Hopefully this will eventually lead to more interbreeding of the colors, as mixed white and tan or brown chicks are typically hotter than the average 'pure' of either alone.
Americans as a whole like salt water taffy, turnips and syrupy beverages. Those living in large cities bathe frequently and for the most part refuse to walk even the shortest distances and look down on both public transport and those who use it. Every trip everywhere is made by car, unless you're poor or don't care if people think you're poor.
I will update this post as I learn more about the culture.

Thank God for vacation time (I'd thank Allah but I don't want to get homicide bombed and Joseph Smith is likely too busy with seer stones to care).

2010-04-22T23:11:00.001-07:00

After the shittiest week ever I'm now 4 days away from ichiban super action trip fun time play. On Tuesday I head out to Frankfurt for a day or so of dicking around and hopefully making it to a castle or two before going to spend a day in Amsterdam walking around and not really doing much. I don't smoke but maybe I can find some decent beer or liquor to help me pass the time until my flight to London, which was and is the main destination. After London I go to Spain for 3 days where I will rent a car and drive down to see a friend from Belmont who happens to be living there doing something, teaching I think. If you search teh internetz for "Nick in Spain" you'll find his bloggage, which I think makes up 99.9% of the hits you'd get if you had typed in "Herrera del Duque" (where he lives).
Anyway, I used some Delta miles and a lot of planning time to put this together and unless those better-English-than-us Icelanders and their stupid volcanoes screw me over I'm expecting good things. It actually worked out cheaper in terms of both money and miles to add stops in Germany, the Netherlands and Spain and to fly in business and first class than to go directly to and from London while riding in economy. Being somewhat claustrophobic and also a fan of free drinks I'm not going to complain.
But that's enough looking to the future; now it's time to dwell on the past. So far this week I've had my wallet and camera stolen, locked my keys in my car 20 miles from home while replacing cards and such and missed my first two days of work this year due to being sick. Having just drank a large bottle of milk after three big mugs of green tea I think I may be sick again, but fortunately I'm on break at work and the toilets here can take a beating like the Atlantic Wall.
Back to work.

This is a placeholder for a picture I found.

2010-02-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

Make it rain.

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's foreigners. And xenophobia.

2010-02-22T01:56:00.001-08:00

So once again I've let this blog thing slide like, well, anything you try to stick to an Italian's face. It's been too long blogspot. Things they are a changin.
Not really. I think the last posts were pretty much nonsense and did little to chronicle the typical day-to-day of my awesomely ballin and flossed-out life so this one will be much more diary-esque. These will be the stories that I share with my grandchildren, and by that I mean I will show this to them so I don't actually have to talk to them. By that time I will probably not be on speaking terms with their parents anyway.
In January I got out of the SI (and based on what everyone still there says my timing was pretty good) and went to the OR. It's basically a low-level management job; I'm kind of the catch-all supervisor for various groups of people while their real bosses are at home asleep. It's ompletely different than what I was doing before but so far I like it. I could do without the 50-odd hour weeks, but then again it's cold here and I have nothing else to do anyway. At least I'll have solid vacation money should I ever find somewhere to go. Thinking about taking a few shortish-long weekend trips; maybe a few days in China, hit Tokyo or something, wha eva. Still have to use a ton of FF miles before inflation hits them again.
The car is a work in progress and it should be back from 2 months in the shop on Tuesday afternoon. What sucks is that all it really needed was about one days worth of solid work but it seemed to have been dragged (drug?) out a bit, but I figure it can be parked in their garage just as well as it can in any other. I need to get it back soon though so I can put the hood pins on and put the new seat covers, cushions and most importantly the new top on it.
I just polished off my 5th large glass of tea and a huge powerbar thing so I have to run.

Dominos Cinnastix are delicious. And free. Squat. Rip.

2009-12-21T12:36:00.000-08:00

Everything I'm about to type is completely boring and pointless.
As someone incapable of cooking anything more complex than sloppy joes or peanut butter on toast it has been a rough few weeks for me food-wise. In a typical week I will go out to my mom's on Sunday and get loaded up with a dickload of good food that gets me though Wednesday or so, at which point I transition to ham sandwiches on one of several different kinds of artisan bread. Buying expensive bread is my way of making a sandwich into a meal, just to kick things up a notch. BAM! Muphucka. Sometimes I go so far as to buy a bag of Sunchips and some juice, but typically it's just a lame-sandwich. That pattern was recently broken when I took a new job a few weeks ago and had to move to working during the day.
Too tired to drive to mom's I was forced to comb the internet for foods that could be prepared by someone else and then brought to me while still hot (I tried to find some place that would actually send over a temporary house boy to feed me but have so far come up short). What I did find was a coupon for a $6 large pizza and some free Cinnastix. Jackpot. Not normally one to go overboard with sweets or greasy stuff in general, I find myself unable to not buy and eat cinnastix multiple times per week. They are too F ing delicious. I would eat them all day every day if I could.
What sucks about this is that the schedule change combined with this garbage cold weather has made me lazy as hell and I've put on 7 or 8 pounds, which is a lot for me. I will go to the gym today though, since it goes without saying that girls don't like fat guys and it's almost spring break time. For someone.
Also, my eyes are bloodshot as a mofo but I promise I haven't been sitting around blowing trees all day. I'm not a hippie, I just need a nap. Buy me this shirt for Christmas: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://rlv.zcache.com/terrance_phillip_blood_rage_tshirt-p235640372742657902qw9y_400.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.zazzle.com/terrance_phillip_blood_rage_tshirt-235640372742657902&usg=__rX9IoAf1FCiQVgJNsGwyX1RjnhE=&h=400&w=400&sz=33&hl=en&start=2&um=1&tbnid=48GCAnrGL8E1xM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=124&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dterrance%2Band%2Bphillip%2Bblood%2Brage%26ndsp%3D21%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

A brief tale of my encounter with a pathetic soul. AKA God this guy is a loser.

2009-10-09T16:25:00.001-07:00

So he comes over the other day, and while I initially simply refused to open the door lest he try to come in, I was hours later dismayed upon exiting to find that he had simply taken to sitting in the bushes around my porch. Whether this was to hide or just feel more comfortable in the dirt I don't know, but anyway.
The stench of moldy teeth on his breath he approached until I, pinned into a corner, could no longer back away from this ragged husk of a man. Then it spoke: "Hey, I know we joke around about me being garbage but I think I finally realize that it wasn't a joke. I am trash and you are all good looking and popular and stuff. How can I turn my pathetic waste of a life around? All I want is to get off the meager government subsidized food rations and out of the section 8 housing the feds give me. I just want a chance to not suck so fucking badly at life. And a shower. Help me."
Now I'm always up for a challenge so I figured what the hell. I'll call it charity work and write it off I thought. I told him to come back in two days, and lacking a car or even money for the bus he returned to the bushes until he saw the mail man come twice (which considering we spoke on Friday afternoon meant he sat three days, what a dipshit). Turns out his Hello Kitty watch is analog and he couldn't read it, and it's also broken so even if he could he would always think its 2:30.
Once he brushed himself off and I turned the hose on him we took some patio furniture (which I later helped him fashion into a makeshift airplane so he could 'fly' home) into the yard and I laid out my plan for his 'future' such as it is.
"So, I've spent a solid 5 minutes thinking about your situation which I think is more than adequate given that any change for you would be an improvement. So, let's get to it. We'll start with your employment status. It's garbage. I was thinking that perhaps we could transition you from your current duty as the guy who cleans the grease traps at Capt D's into a more upwardly mobile position that better utilizes your admittedly limited skill set. Sales seems like a good fit and as it so happens while at Kroger the other day I overheard the manager talking about hiring Spanish speakers to stock the shelves at 3 am. I immediately thought of you. After reviewing your 'qualifications' with the night clerk he decided that you were perhaps under-qualified for the position but he did offer up a spot cleaning out the grease traps, even suggesting they might pay you to do so. That sounded tempting but being who I am I threw him some money and he changed his mind. The job is yours. The $11.85 I used to bribe him was just some leftover shit I was going to throw into the sewer in front of some bums anyway, but to keep you honest it is going to come out of your first 18 paychecks. I'm not a charity after all.
"Now, about your appearance. You look like a sack full of mashed-up assholes. I'm thinking we can get you into something more modern and trendy like some Gant or Knights of the Round Table; is there still a Burlington Coat Factory around here? I think that might be going a bit upscale, but considering that on the rare occasion you actually wear a shirt you only have the bottom button closed it is a step in the right direction. For the last time, this is Nashville, not Staten Island, so leave that pursed-lip fake tan wifebeater spiked hair broseph guinea daego wop I-tie spic guido shit in the landfill where it belongs. And enough with the glow in the dark wolves howling shit already. Here, take these shirts and one of the suits I had custom made for me and just keep losing weight until they fit. You fat shit.
"Of course transportation is at present an issue for you and those like you but I think I have the answer: Stop carrying that mop with you everywhere or at least allow it to dry out completely before you try and get on the bus with it. I would think that should be obvious but clearly in your case I would be thinking incorrectly. You really are rubbish. Scoria. Waste. Shit. Man, your life sucks. Here, take this prepaid phone card in case you want to call the suicide hotline. It only has $400 on it though. Also, what happened to that 86 Fiesta I bought you? Surely you didn't sell it for coke. Are you still giving dudes cocaine in exchange for letting you fellate them? God. Like I told you after your 4th DUI I can't keep buying you vehicles every 6 months. Well, I can but you'll never learn if I do.
"But, back to the mission at hand. Doing in a matter of hours what you have somehow been unable to do during the whole of your shiftless life, I have secured you employment, cleaned you up, dressed you appropriately, given you access to mental health care and solved your motility problem. Please never come to my place of residence again or I will have to call your parole officer, and bear in mind there is a middle school less than 1,000 yards from here so it would be a double whammy for you.
After my presentation he just kind of sat there for a moment taking it all in. He looked around slack-jawed and a butterfly landed on his nose. I showed him how to read a map and helped him catch the bus to the soup kitchen, but rather than say thanks his last words as he drunkenly, unsteadily climbed the bus ramp were 'hey man, can I borrow a dollar?"
Trash through and through. Garbage.

Oy vey. Tomorrow my white ass heads out in search of adventure. Or not. I mean whatever, you know?

2009-09-01T22:15:00.001-07:00

In about 10 hours or so my friend Russ and I will be getting on a jet plane (in coach with old peolpe, sweaty people and disgusting dirtbag children, yuck) and heading to Paris for the first stop on our 12-day trip to the wilds of Western Europe. Realizing that few people have ever been brave enough to venture into the untamed depths of France and England (our third stop), we are taking it upon ourselves to go forth and document the goings-on across the pond. We will probably be the first native English speakers to ever set foot in the UK, and as such we are prepared for some difficulties in communication. My plan is to speak ever louder while waving my hands in order to get my point across. In France I will be limited in that I will only have one free hand to wave, as the other will surely be locked in place pinching my nostrils shut, lest I gag on the tender Parisian aroma of sweat mixed with cigarettes that seems to saturate the air and permeate everything around.
I suppose I should take a step back and mention that the backwards countries of France and England will be the bookends to our primary destination: Iceland. Despite it's frigid name the weather is purported to be quite mild considering its location (Lat 65 N, Long 18 W), and at some point the savages inhabiting the island have been taught God's Christian United States English of Sacrament and Redemption as used in Churches of Christ, His one true tongue. Both of these things will make our time there more tolerable.
Anyway, I am taking a computer with me and plan to use this page as journal of sorts to keep track of all the awesome shit that I do that you people back home are not doing. I also have a rough outline of the credit card/ score stuff mostly done for anyone who might care, but it is going on the back burner for now. I'll leave you with a picture of some Alabama fans.

Holy balls.

2009-08-25T00:36:00.000-07:00

The weather here has been pretty awesome lately, so awesome in fact that I haven't messed with this shit much. Once my laptop gets here I should be able to sit on the porch and write all day. I think I'm going to try and write a book, or at least see how much I can get done in one sitting. Anyway, until I can finish Greg's story between wankings enjoy the following pic I found somewhere online.

Friday night was not everything it could have been. But it was something, and sometimes that is better than nothing.

2009-08-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

Friday got off to a late start. We didn't get Holy crap that chicken and those brownies I ate are about to explode out my ass. Gotta run... will finish lat

I didn't do anything worthwhile today. But I did find this picture of two morons so I don't feel too bad anymore.

2009-08-06T00:02:00.001-07:00

Yeah, these guys truly suck balls in a way that is seldom seen in this day and age. Truly awe-inspiring. Stay in school.

Anyway, since nothing happened today I'll just write something that might actually be interesting to some people.

Reading bits and pieces of Rori's new blog about credit card stuff has inspired me to put to paper something I was telling P-Base (see, I'm starting the pseudonym game already, though in this case I'm not sure why) a few weeks ago. Lori's take is very Dave Ramseyish, and that is fine if it works and you are looking for the easiest way to just pay off some debt. My take on the matter is pretty much as anti-Dave as one can get, but you end up with a lot more in terms of return on time and money.
For those who don't know, Dave's plan is based on 'debt snowballs', paying bills from smallest to largest, and cutting up credit cards. It is very easy to figure out and stick with, and there is pretty much no risk involved. It is aimed at those who either don't know or don't really care how credit scoring works, and there is a huge amount of nonsense credit card scaremongering thrown in. But it works. With Dave's plan you pay interest on your debt, hurt your credit score, and live in some fantasy world free of liquidity where having $10k in the bank as an emergency fund will somehow solve all your problems.
The path I walk is very different and not for everybody and is admittedly more difficult given the economy these days. But, with some patience and time you can still save money, travel well for almost free and even make money by having huge amounts of credit card debt. All the while your creditworthiness will be going through the roof and you will be establishing a solid credit history (which should come in handy when trying to make some decent money once credit starts flowing again). The downside to this is that it's really easy to fuck up big time if you are a lazy shit and/ or just don't have time for it.
My plan is based around getting more credit cards shifting debt. If you don't have debt, get some, as it will become your friend. If you are old-fashioned and don't feel like leveraging one of your most valuable assets (your credit score) stop reading. If you are reckless and can't control yourself then you are already fucked. Now, to be fair, this isn't something I just came up with myself; it's based on what I've read over the years at Fatwallet finance forums (ignore most of the rest of the site) and countless other sites as well as what has worked for me. You'll notice I focus a great deal on Greg's credit score. This is what the whole fucking shebang is about. Get that right and everything else will just fall into place. Unless you're an asshole or something. I'll also try and throw in some bullet points somewhere along the way explicitly highlighting important stuff that may or may not be inferred by you, the hapless reader doucheass.
I've tried to explain this to people a couple times without much success, so if this doesn't make sense I will edit it and expand as necessary. I'll try a case-study approach. Let us take Greg DiPhallus and his $10k of debt as an example, calling him Greg or GDP for short. I just noticed that GDP is harder to type than Greg, so we're going with Greg. Moving on, Greg has just finished a few shitty years at a small private Christian college where he never got laid despite being hot as fuck and smart as shit, as well as incredibly humble. Up to this point in his life Greg has thought about his credit score about as much as hot bitches have thought about his bulge: Not too fucking much. Over the years he has signed up for various store cards to save 20% at Structure or get a free T-Shirt on the beach during spring break at PCB or some shit like that, and he also has a debit card, some other credit cards and a checking account. Most of his debt is spread across several low-limit cards that charge high interest rates (I think this seems like the most common scenario). Greg has a job that pays average wage for the area. I don't know, $50k or so? $60? $30? It probably won't matter anyway. But the fucker has a job and some income. And rent. Car payment? I don't think most people I know have them so I'll say no. But if we want to give him one we can work that in in another post. In fact, lets say he does have one and we'll get to it later.
Right. So Greg has $10k on 4 credit cards. What is he to do? Well, first and foremost he needs to check his credit score. Not the FAKO shit from freecreditreport.com or any other similar garbage. He needs to know his real FICO score. It is not free. Reports are free, scores are not. Let's put him at a shitty-but common 640 or so. This is not a great score, but with patience it is certainly workable. Along with the naked number it will be helpful to have an idea of what exactly it means and how it is calculated; once we know how they figure it we can figure out how to raise it. Here is a good explanation http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/credit-scoring/20031104a1.asp
A couple things to note: Paying your shit on time, your debt to credit ratio and the age of your accounts together make up 80% of your score. Eighty fucking percent. Notice what doesn't mean shit: Income, owning a home, age, whether you're a bitch or dude, etc. The things we can easily change are the things that matter most, and the things we're more or less stuck with count for ass.
How does this apply to Greg and what should he do next? First, pay all his bills on time for a few months. That is common sense. Then hit the phones, bitch. Start with the easiest possible shit and call each card co and ask them to drop the interest rate. Every little bit helps, though soon he won't even look at APRs because they won't matter. But for now Greg is a broke ass pussy bitch. He will probably get a lot of 'nos' but whatever. Fuck them.
Now that he is working on the first factor he can control it's time to move on to the second: the debt to credit ratio. Let's say Greg owes $2k on a card with a limit of $2500. That means he's carrying a balance equal to 80% of his credit available, and that looks bad to creditors and the layman alike. Knowing that a lower % of credit used is better regardless of the exact numbers involved, how can a guy with more or less fixed income and expenses decrease that number most easily and make himself at least appear more credit-worthy? Save up and pay it off? Sure, but we want easy, and the easiest way is to simply get more available credit. It is at this point Dave Ramsey starts blowing loads into his own face. Most credit cards have a button online that reads 'request credit limit increase' and most of them are fairly loose with what they give you, though once you get around $24.9k with AMEX on a single card they can be a pain to deal with. Anyway the idea is to either call or go online and request a credit line increase for that card. Let's lowball and say they only give him $1k more of credit. Now he owes $2k on a card that will give him $3.5k. Despite his debt not changing he is now only using 57% or so of his available credit. Do this for each card and it will make a difference in his score, and that is what counts in the long run. Now, it is important to do your homework, as you do not want the card issuers making hard pulls when they do this. I am getting tired but will pick this up later. I'm going to leave myself some notes as to what I'm thinking.
-planning - balance transfer (to card and/ or bank account)- online banking- liquidity- money in hand/ credit (as it relates to emergency fund) - interest compounding for/ against you - getting stuff along the way - 100s of ks of airline miles/ hotel points/ etc - avoiding renewal fees - consolidation - issuers - resources - conventional wisdom is for dumb people - making money with other people's money (enough to pay bills/ more) - don't cut up cards, never close them, consolidate
- minimize hard pulls
- what are pulls
- FAKO/FIKO
- Business cards
- hide debt
There is plenty more. I didn't realize how much there was to this when I started writing it. Shit. So I guess from here on out this blog will be finishing this explanation of stuff mixed with the random stupid shit that goes on. Since I don't have to worry about mixing audiences (since there isn't one) I'm not going to bother with starting a new blog. If by some chance you've come here for one thing and find the other that day then I don't care. Please keep in mind that it's 3 am here so the syntax and grammar might suck but if you're reading this so does your credit. And sister. At this point I'm just typing what I think of and the editing/ correcting can be done later. By your mother. I have not proofread this and I don't plan on it until I come back and splice all this type of shit together into one big story.

Shit. I don't know how to delete this damn thing.

2009-08-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

Boobs.

In two weeks or so I will officially be old. Someone please have sex with me (women 19-34 only, please submit recent, full-body pictures)

2009-08-04T00:30:00.001-07:00

At least part of the title is true; in about two weeks I turn 30 and I have to say I'm not that worried about it. Nothing will really change in my so it seems like it will just be another excuse to have a few drinks and not hook up with really hot chicks. We'll see how it goes.
From here on out I'm going to try and keep track of funny shit that happens. Part of the problem with wanting to do so in the past has revolved around my not wanting to mention other people's names here, just in case someone besides me or Lori actually happens to read it. Fortunately a simple solution has recently come to mind and I'm sad to say it took me this long to think of it (though honestly thought and this page are typically incompatible with one another): I will write down everyone's name and then create a pseudonym for him or her.
As I am currently at my asshat job doing 'work' I have to get back at it, lest I be fired and forced to look for a real career with future.

I accidentally hit enter while typing a title in the box and it posted so I'm starting over.

2009-06-29T22:53:00.001-07:00

PS The answer was your mother.
Anyway it's been a while since I posted and a decent amount of shit has happened.
I bought a new car a few months ago and have been slowly getting it more and more road worthy/ driver friendly. Don't get me wrong, it always ran and drove well enough but considering it's almost 40 there were of course things that needed to be done. There is plenty about that on facebook.
Work sucks, but then that is nothing new. What super sucks is that I'm not eligible for tuition reimbursement (which I would use to take classes so I can hopefully get a real career) since I'm on the verge of being fired. I also cannot transfer to a more school-schedule friendly unit for the same reason. Lame. To be fair the job isn't too bad and the people are great, it just gets in the way of almost everything else I want to do. Plus I don't enjoy it, and I've always heard you should do what you love, though exactly what that would be continues to elude me.
I was hoping to get my Spanish and Business on and shit so as to make my ass marketable as fuck in a couple years, but looks like it may have to wait. I can still work on it at home I suppose. Learning Chinese might be the way to go, but that seems hard to do out of a book. Then again I do have plenty of free time... Gotta find a travel job that pays well.
I'm already getting bored writing. Tomorrow's goal is to try and find some sort of purpose or sense of direction for this page. If the plan is to use it like a diary to write now and read when I get old and need to look back on the emptiness of my life then I should update more often so I can better remember what actually happened. If I am going to try and present usable information then I should start being more professional (and probably just start a new blog). We will see.

Q: What has two legs and totally sucks ass?

2009-06-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Though losing my camera is.

2009-03-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

I have had the worst gas all day today and it has been hilarious. More on that later.
Lately I've found myself presented with a situation that I'm not sure has any possible acceptable resolution, and there are currently two main options. Without getting into specifics, the first would be better in the short run, but the possibility of a pleasant long-term outcome is almost nil. The second option would suck in the short term and if it didn't quickly backfire would likely be the most beneficial yet least satisfying long-term maneuver. I guess what I saying is both choices probably suck, it's just a matter of when and how much. The second choice would also be hard to implement all things considered and could be pretty awkward, and it's more than likely the first choice would ultimately have the same outcome as the second. Not sure if that makes sense to you but it did to me.
On a not totally unrelated note I realized today that I am about 6 months away from turning 30, and I have no desire to be single when I do so. I'm not going to just start dating some random girl, but I think it's good to have a goal. The plan is to keep running and stuff and hopefully be in as good of shape at 30 as I was at 22 or 23, and I think that is pretty realistic and might help my cause. If (when) that fails I've decided that if I'm going to be single I at least hope to avoid being that old fat single guy, though the creases in my forehead and lines around my eyes combined with going out too often certainly don't help any. If I can't make any progress on the relationship front by that time I'm seriously considering moving somewhere else, maybe Chicago or something, to get a fresh perspective, and just for a bit of a scenery change. I don't expect it to be a miracle cure, but I'm not getting anywhere here and sometimes change is good. I guess we'll see in six months.
I'll pause here to take a shower.
Okay. So it's official, my camera is lost. Or more precisely, if it is still here then it's whereabouts escape me. The bright side of this is I now have an excuse to get a new one, and who doesn't like getting a new camera? Nobody, that's who. It's getting late and I'm hungry. Time to hit melrose for trivia.

This is not the greatest blog in the world. This is a tribute.

2009-02-27T20:29:00.000-08:00

I think I have some sort of disease where whenever the weather sucks then I do as well, productivity-wise that is. When I rolled out of bed I was determined to make the most of the day and get some stuff done. I didn't. I watched Heroes season 2, went to the Y for an hour or so, hit Kroger and then came back and watched some tv online. I had meant to study some Spanish in preparation for a trip to Central America sometime this spring, but I never got around to it. A couple people have said they want to go to Costa Rica and I could certainly stand to go back there for a while, but I suspect that when it comes down to it they will bail on the whole deal. It could be a pretty cheap trip so hopefully it will work out.
Now I'm sitting at home alone drinking and wishing I were out doing something. It's not so much that I feel like I need to go out, it's that I know nothing is going to happen or change if I sit around here all weekend being boring. Who knows what I'm missing or who I'm not talking to and all that. Sure, most nights I go out and nothing happens anyway, but there is always a chance and I owe myself that much. As I get older it seems more and more people get married or in serious relationships and spend less and less time going out doing dumb shit, so I need to make the most of my few remaining years of drinking friends.
On another note I think I might get up early and go do the Percy Warner 5k tomorrow morning. It starts at 8 am or so which is pretty early but I would like to do it just to compare it to my time last year. Plus they give out cool shirts. Not sure if that'll happen though. But maybe.
Lately I've been thinking about handedness and how dependent I am on my right hand for doing almost everything a hand could do; my left is almost worthless (curiously there is one thing my left is good for and that is rubbing shampoo/ conditioner into my hair. I tried with my right and it is borderline impossible. Yeah.). To try and counter this I have started using my left hand more often, but it is awkward at best and futile at worst. I hope someday to become more or less ambidextrous and be able to write, masturbate and throw with equal skill on each side. A boy can dream.
For some reason I've been feeling pretty stressed out lately, and I've never really been one to get that way. I think trying to get back on the night schedule at work and the general uncertainty about what I want/ plan to do might have something to do with it. But whatever, that is what EtOH is for.
Well, I'm going to go try and read something though I suspect I'll just end up watching more tv online. Non sequitur. Songnan is heading back to Shanghai to live in a few months. While on the one hand that sort of sucks, on the other hand (the left? hmm) it's cool because I will soon have a free place to stay in Shanghai and free food while I'm there (his parents own a few restaurants). So the plan is to hit China this summer and see what that shit is all about. Probably pick up some Chinese women. Well, okay, probably not. F you.

I know where the hippies go

2009-02-22T00:24:00.000-08:00

I spent most of today being a complete piece of shit; watching tv shows online, dicking around on facebook wishing I had friends and then going to the Y. After all that shit wrapped up I ate a grilled chicken sandwich and some cheese/broccoli rice followed by a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I spent the next hour shitting my brains out and wishing I had just gone to Kroger for a salad. Once my stools became solid I went to Melrose to meet Strunk and some kids to knock a couple beers of my list and then we all went to the Basement to check out some music. The first guy kind of sucked but the main band was pretty good, in that filthy Springstein meets Bon Jovi meets crushing poverty meets hygiene by the wayside kind of way. Not bad though overall. The thing that kills me is that everyone there was dirty-looking, wearing ratty clothes and flannel jackets and old boots and shit like that. What part of liking music means you have to dress and act like jobless homeless trash? It's almost like there is a competition to be the most 'authentic' stereotypical dirty hippie. Clean up, get a job, and shave you stinky bastards. Actually, that was an incredibly unfair and hasty generalization and I like most people as individuals, I just don't understand the universal homogeneity that exists amongst the music wannabe crowd.
After that it was back to Melrose to polish off a few more beers and get owned by some random chicks at the basketball game in the back. I absolutely suck at that shit but it is fun as hell. Speaking of fun, I have been wanting for weeks to go play laser tag downtown, but nobody will go with me. What could be cooler than getting trashed and running around in the dark? If you know please tell me. It's late and I'm going to bed. Alone. Damn it.

Wearing nice clothes does not make people like you, but wearing doo doo undies will probably make them hate you.

2009-02-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

I finally remembered my password so I can post here again; for a while I couldn't get logged in and had to post an entry on myspace. It was even less interesting than usual so if you didn't see it then congratulations, you just saved 5 minutes of your life.
Not much has happened in the last few weeks so this will be a brief recap of almost nothing. Valentine's day came and went as it always does, except this year I think I actually talked to a girl at a bar for a few minutes, though of course it ended up going nowhere. In my mind I'd like to think that she turned out to be a fatty. At this rate I should be on schedule to get someone to sit through the first 15 minutes of dinner next year, and by 2013 an entire date might be possible.
Apparently there is some other guy in Nashville that looks like me and he seems to know at least a few women, so maybe I'll pretend I'm him next year and see what happens. The added benefit of this approach would be that she'll go looking for him instead of me when she feels sick the next morning. Surprise bitch!

As corny as it sounds I did meet some girl the other day who is trying to set up a speed dating thing next month at Mercy Lounge and I think it could be worth a shot. The idea is that it won't just be an open event for anyone, it will be a referral-only type deal, a friend of a friend sort of thing, that way everyone there can be vouched for in some way. Hopefully it will keep the douche factor down. Then again it could suck ass, but I've never done anything like it before so if nothing else it will be something to get me out of the house. Also, I have nothing to lose.
On another more productive note, I have found a short-term reason to get up every day: a reasonable beer list. There is a bar on Franklin that pretty much everyone lives behind or within a few minutes of that has around 80 or so beers on the menu, and if you drink them all you get your name on a plaque or something like that. I think am down to the last dozen or so, and after tonight I should be in position to finish it off next weekend. To the best of my knowledge nobody else has done it yet so it would be cool to be the first. Not sure why. One aspect of the whole thing that sucks though is that they are technically supposed to limit you to 3 beers off your list per visit, and while I've only been cut off once or twice the whole concept of 3/ night is pretty lame. There were a few days where I got 7 or 8 though so I guess it works out. Drinking rules here are stupid. In New Zealand to get your name on the wall (which I had to do since there wasn't yet anyone from the States up there) you had to drink 11 pints in one night, which is far more fun.
Some other random shit has happened, but I'm tired of typing. I've started looking for a house, training for a few half marathons, and working out and trying to eat better so as to get ready for the beach next month. We'll see how that goes but I'm not expecting much. It's kind of hard to train for stuff with the beer list still hanging over my head, but I have to say I've surprised myself lately by being able to get trashed one day and then have decent days at the y the next. Maybe getting old isn't going to be that bad after all. Good thing I'm not a woman or getting close to 30 and being in my situation would suck. I think almost every chick flick is based on that very principle.

Cold weather is only slightly more appealing than your fat mother. And I hate cold weather.

2009-02-06T00:27:00.001-08:00

Holy shit it's cold here. Being cold is like being a fat worthless shit; there simply is no good reason for it (chronic disease states aside). I just got in from a Thursday of barhopping all over town, and I do mean all over. Melrose, Joe's Place, Crow's Nest, Greeh House, Red Door 1 & 2, 3 Crow Bar, and some other place. Talk about a big night. Ross and I pretty much owned Nashville but ultimeately found little of interest despite our citywide search for entertainment. Each place we went had fewer girls than the last which was weak considering our first stop was pretty much a dead zone. Not that it really matters since chicks I like seem to hate me and I never meet girls anyway. They say god has a plan for everyone but I have to wonder: I'm almost 30, what the hell? Then again it 's great not having to think about anyone else's feelings when I go out, and being selfish is pretty cool. If there is one thing I've learned in life it's that you should always do whatever you want all the time without regard for the effects your actions might have on others.
Shit. I had this story about last weekend to write but I think I'm about to pass out so I'll do it later. I already put pics of it on facebook anyway. Lori, since you are the only person who reads this anyway I apologize for the shitty blog but I'm really drunk and really tired. I'll post again later.
Enclosed is a picture of my Arizona vacation.

Holy shit it's January up in this bitch.

2009-01-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a while since my last blog post and I'm sure both people who used to read this garbage will be thrilled to see things hopefully getting back on track. They must have very sad lives.
So a brief recap of the last few months: I spent most of November in Thailand and Hong Kong, with two super-brief and Indian buffetless stops in Tokyo, a really really long day of freezing balls in Seoul and a night in Chicago thrown in just for good measure. Thailand was for the most part fucking nuts, with tons of stuff to do (weather permitting) and a crazy full moon party on an island for those with a penchant for shirtless beach drinking until sunup before falling asleep on the boat back home. In hindsight I should have gotten my teef whitened. Maybe next time. Hong Kong is also cool but the air is shit and the drinks get pricey quickly. Tokyo was more or less the same as it's always been but the fact that Eureka's Castle or whatever the Indian place was called has closed means I probably won't be going back this year, except as a stopover or something. Sorry Rori, but Tokyo is dead to me. At least until I decide to buy a $2,000 kitten. I already covered more about the trip than the average person would probably care to read in my facebook photos so see them for more should you want it.

December was spent doing very little that would be of interest to anyone. I lost my tan, quit working out so much and started getting fat. The winter cold really pisses me off and I typically end up loafing around the house or (on a good day) riding my bike on the trainer until I decide it sucks (5-10 min on average) then eating something bad for me.

Now that it is January I have started the new year with a new job and a new short-term reason for living. I recently decided that despite the fact that a week ago I couldn't get through a mile without stopping to gasp for air I need to run in the Music City half marathon this April. I did manage 5.5ish miles today, but it was split into two short runs.

Here is a pic of my shoes, which like your mom are starting to look kind of worn out and sorry. Also not unlike your mother, they are soon to be discarded in favor of a new pair that should be here shortly. Why did I post this picture? Why did I even take this picture? I don't know.

In other news I've been without a tv in my bedroom for almost two weeks. For a while I had quite a tv sales racket going; I was buying tvs and then just selling them to people on Craigslist for a profit. Surprisingly easy and effective way to make decent amounts of money, but it worked too well this time, as one guy ended up buying the set off my wall as well. Everything is for sale I say. Anyway, this is what I'm left with:
I don't watch a ton of tv but when I'm falling asleep it's nice to hear the voices of women on tv instead of being forced to listen to the sounds of solitude coming from the other side of the bed. Sometimes I think I can hear the ocean coming from the hollow area under my blanket over there. Sigh. At least I can rip huge farts without worrying about it.
Moving on, check out that sweet modded 360. Ballin. The new tv should be here by this weekend and it will be out of control. I went way, way overboard size-wise and will post a pic when it gets here. Completely over the top but watching movies will be cool as shit. At least if I ever do manage to get a girl over here it will be easy to ignore her the next morning with the new set.
Boredom is starting to set in. I've said this before but this time I think I mean it: More frequent smaller updates will be the way to go from here on out. Things are probably funnier if and when I can remember the good parts. I also need to go back and edit out some commas as I use way too many. Most of this is thrown up as a bunch of disjointed crap before I can forget what I want to write then I don't really go through and clean it up. Oh well.

Stylin and profilin; bitch just hurry up an cut my hair. Also, camera time muthafucker.

2008-10-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

In more or less a week's time from now I will be taking my happy ass down to the airport and hopping on a plane to Tokyo; from there I will go further West into the deepest realms of the most touristy parts of SE Asia. I have been spending most of my waking hours stuck in that stupid hospital wasting away in preparation for the trip and I have to say I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to try and use this space to document some if not all of the awesome things that I will be doing that you are not, so that one day when you are less of a loser you can try and emulate me. I also plan to throw in some pictures and whatnot if possible, as I just got a new camera and am dying to figure out how to use it. Here are some pics I took just a second ago of random shit in my apartment.

Considering I know nothing of cameras, the light sucked, and the lens I was using was manual-focus I think I did okay, and I hope that with practice I will learn what the buttons mean and how to properly compose an image. Until such a time comes to pass I will just stick with my old method of taking 4,000 pictures and hoping that 15 of them turn out well.
I'm going to bed.

I ain't got time bleed. Injury is the ultimate gateway drug.

2008-09-26T03:32:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written anything here in a while, and there are several good reasons for that. 1. I'm lazy. 2. Spelling is hard. 3. Nothing awesome has happened lately, at least not that I have pictures of, and pictures are half the fun.

Anyway, I started Japanese classes a couple weeks ago to help kill some time and give me something to do when I don't feel like doing nothing. There are only 6 people or so in the class, and I don't think I have anything in common with any of them, and there are no girls, so it's not exactly an ideal situation, but the teacher is cool enough and it gets me out of the house. Maybe in the spring there will be some new blood. We've only had 2 classes so far and I can already tell it's going to be one of those 'you get out what you put in' type of deals. Shitty. Thank god for listen and learn programs I can carry around with me. Now when I go back to Tokyo in Nov I will be able to order a beer and ask where the shitter is without getting blank stares and chicks checking out my big American man with round eye pants bulge. Maybe.

In a few hours I'm leaving to spend the weekend in Chicago, which should be fun as long as the weather holds. I'm going to be tired as fuck since I worked all night tonight and can't sleep before my flight, but thems the breaks I guess. The flight I had found that would have let me sleep for a while jumped from $130ish to $400 in the 30 minutes I waited to finish the purchase, so I got stuck with some early-morning bullshit. Live and learn kids.

From now on I'm going to try and update more frequently, as I always think of funny stuff but then wait for weeks before trying to post it, and by then I have forgotten what it was. This should be enough for now.

If girls liked guys who rode bikes, then I'd like totally have three and a half chicks

2008-09-08T11:33:00.001-07:00

After waiting for a month and a half for the bike I ordered to come in, then waiting a couple more weeks for all the right parts to come in, then wasting a couple days getting it together, I have finally completed my new ride. For those playing at home that's Campy Record all over that bitch, and yes I know the seatpost is shite. The downside is it's hot as shit outside, I've been up since 2am because drunk people kept calling me all night, and I'm really hungry but of course have no food. So I'm not even going to take if for a test drive. Maybe later.
Other than that not much has happened since the boat trip shit.
No longer working Saturday nights, I have been finding other things to do, and this most recent Sat I went somewhere I hadn't been in a long, long time; Sam's in the village. I have to say that this looks like the place to go during football games, as the amount of hot ass in there was pretty impressive to say the least. Even better, it's really loud in there and everyone is drunk, so even if I did talk to someone she wouldn't hear it and/ or wouldn't notice how pointless the conversation was. Score. After Sam's we went to Spanky's (hate the name) and Greenhouse, but by then I was trashed and things get splotchy. That seems to be a trend lately, and I'm not entirely convinced it's for the best, though I do feel obligated to make up for lost time. Getting out seems to be the thing to do, and I'm trying to go to new places and do new things, or at least spread myself out a bit more, throwing some red door, bar 23, brewhouse, and both corner pubs and some maf's into the mix more often. Since I consistently leave my card at brewhouse and Dawn works at CPmid, I have at least two reasons to head that way, and those are both decent places to start or end a night, assuming one can get a decent parking spot in which to leave his or her car. Probably going to go to a few football games and do more 5ks and shit too. Either that or I'll sit on my ass and watch 'rasslin on teh tele and whittle/ play the dulcimer; the end result will be the same.
I had something funny to write, but I can't think of a good way to preface the story and I'm getting tired. Thank some sort of god I don't work for a couple more days.

Super action wish lake party fun wish time spectacular. Or perhaps not. (?)

2008-09-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well, this last month has been a big step forward for me, at least in terms of potential future coolness. For one thing, I started going out again, kind of, hitting a few bars on Mondays, Tuesdays, and the occasional Sunday, which is a huge change from my typical sit-at-home-being-a-fucking-tool routine. I also started riding again, got a new bike, got a haircut, and worked my last scheduled Saturday night for a while. Now I can get back to dating all those hot chicks that have been on hold. That part will probably not happen, but then again who knows.
For those of you who no longer (or never did) live in this country, this past weekend was labor day weekend, when everyone drinks all the time and is more or less unproductive for 72 hours. I got off work Sunday morning around 7 am, rode my bike for a bit then came home and took a nap. To make a long story short, I'll try and represent the following events with a flowchart of sorts. Try and keep up.
Nap-->No food since breakfast-->Broadway Brewhouse-->Almost instantly drunk-->Corner pub midtown to see Dawn--->Beer and a few Jaegerbombs-->I honestly don't know-->Bar 23-->Some people's apartment-->Asleep @ 7am-->Wake up @ 8am-->Home-->1100am until 1145am in bed-->Noon head to lake-->Beer up on the water until 5ish-->Home-->Big plans, little stamina (this applies to more than just my drinking plans I suspect)-->Pass out like bitch while getting ready to go watch game-->Wake up 5am Tuesday, realize car has been by Brewhouse for days-->Ride bike to vehicle-->Hate self-->Continue to live with regret-->Eat sandwich-->Sigh deeply-->The end.
And that is pretty much that. All in all a pretty good time, and it leads me to believe I need to start hitting up more bars more often, at least until I knock some chick or something like that. Saturday cannot come soon enough. The visor in the pic was only worn for a second to keep my face from getting more burnt. The shitty glasses have the California Raisins on them and were worn all day. In hindsight, taking an objective look at myself, it's pretty easy to see why things are the way they are. Sigh.

Can can, cannot also can: I can haz Section 8?

2008-08-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a long-ass time since I wrote anything here and since I'm about to fall asleep I may as well pass some time. Not a great many things have happened in the last month but we'll see what I can remember.

I turned 28 a few days ago, that much I can recall, and I celebrated by going to a work friend's baby shower (to meet girls) then heading to Red Door and Broadway Brewhouse, where my roommate and a couple of his friends and I got wasted, wasteder, and wastedest. Keeping with tradition I again picked up zero chicks, but as drunk as I was I don't think much would have happened anyway, so no real loss there. The puking my guts out when we got home then drinking more probably wouldn't have impressed anyone either.
Later, after a couple beers and some pizza at home we went to the pool and hung out for a bit, and everything was cool until some guy hurled in it and we decided to call it quitting time. I think we all know what happened next.
Waffle House. For whatever reason we rolled out and slammed down some waffles, hashbrowns, and BE&C sandwiches before returning home and crashing out. The following day was like most any other day of mine, a complete and total waste, except this time punctuated by my not remembering my car was at red door until I was supposed to be driving it to meet someone for dinner. Fashionably late is still cool I think.
Other than that all I've been doing is working and riding my bike. I've started going out around 5-530am ish and heading downtown to the stadium and back, which is more or less 20 miles. Adding on a trip down the greenway to opry mills brings it closer to 30 miles; pretty much just about right for my purposes. I got a sweet bike computer / gps that shows the streets and shit as I'm riding which is nice, and by the end of the month I should have a map detailing where the homeless people drink @ 6 am. Given the nature of the transient lifestyle the map won't be 100% accurate, but much like an electron density cloud in chemistry it will illustrate where the bums have the highest likelyhood of being found at any given time. Next time out I'll take my camera and get some pics and mark the location of Mop Dancer (the hobo who dances with his mop by the river), and gangster midget, the notorious dwarf cokehead who spends his days with the rest of the males of working age in his neighborhood drinking and hanging out by the street instead of working like the rest of us. Thank God for government handouts.
There are some other things but I feel like shit and want to stop writing. I'll add some pics and maybe some videos later, if I can figure out how at least. I just got an HD camcorder, but the editing software is teh sux and awkward to work with, kind of like a co-worker who wears denim all the time and has a pony tail.
Oink.

This is a random pic of a sign hanging by the baseball field that I thought was particularly stupid. Buckle up in your truck. In my mind, this is just going to make Cletus and Clem think they don't need to wear seat belts when in other types of vehicles, and that it's okay for Charleene and Jimmy Ray to sit in the bed, so long as they are lashed down with some sort of buckled strap.

Patience is a virtue, but sitting around waiting for shit to happen makes you a bitch.

2008-07-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

Just an update to the last posting. I decided to take my phone apart the other day to see if I could find any water anywhere inside and to hopefully let it air dry more fully. I plugged the husk into the charger and let it set for a while, hoping to at some point walk past and see the green charging LED winking at me, quietly telling me everything was going to be okay. That never happened.
I took it upon myself to start screwing with it again, and put it back together enough to make the battery stay in place without me holding it. Initially nothing happened, but after a few minutes of button pushing the screen came alive and the phone began to boot up, making it to the start page of sorts before beginning to flash off and on. The menus were navigable, more or less, but every other flash would force the menus to close, making it impossible to copy my shit to the sd card. A few minutes later it quit flashing, but it wouldn't recognize my card, so, shit. Or so it seemed.
One of the reasons I hadn't backed my stuff up sooner was because the desktop manager would never recognize my phone. It would always error out and say it wasn't working but was instead causing exception errors and failing to initialize. The past having given me little to hope for, I wasn't expecting much when I plugged the phone into my pc a few minutes ago, but I was pleasantly the fuck surprised to see it begin copying all my contacts and calendar data over. I'm bored with writing now.

If hope floats, my cell phone must be forged of despair

2008-07-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'll preface this by saying that for the last two years I have been using the same cell phone, a Treo 700p (for those who give a shit), in the hopes of replacing it whenever a new model with GPS comes out. Finally, after a wait and a half, the new one comes out on Sunday, a few days from now.
Anyway, two days ago as I was walking across the pool I dropped my phone in. I made it all the way from the deeps to the shallows without incident, but when I went to lay it down it slipped, bouncing off the ridge of the pool and into the water. Fuck that shit. In the A. Getting pissed really wasn't an option at that point, so I put it in the sun to dry out while I continued to drink whiskey and orange crush. Why whiskey and orange crush? Your mom, that's why. The phone must have been having some nice dreams, because that bastard stayed wet for hours. Shitty.
Also shitty, the phone had everything in it I need to survive if not thrive, things like phone numbers of hot girls, passwords, user names, account numbers, my work schedule, confirmation numbers, etc, etc. You get the idea I think, tons of important shit that I of course had never written down anywhere. Making matters worse, I hadn't synced it to the desktop in ages because the USB adapter was shit, so little if any useful data was ever moved to my computer. I'm fairly certain I had copied my contact info to my SD card, but the new phone will take micro sd and my USB card reader went the way of my self-respect and hasn't been seen or used in months. Balls. Now I have to start from scratch, which is a total busch league play and complete crock of shit. Ass.
As time passed that day and I became more and more intoxicated, necessity forced me to give up on the old phone coming back to life and sent me off to snag a new one. Luckily, the store was dead and it only took about 30 minutes from leave time to return time to get everything taken care of, so the damage to sunny pool action pooly sun drink time was minimal. On Sunday, I'll just return this one and get the one I really want.
That being said, I'm going to go eat a sandwich and watch tv.

All of my friends suck cocks asses and balls

2008-07-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well, today is a sad day, not just because I woke up (again), but because today I am canceling my trip to Oktoberfest in Munich and bobsledding in Riga. I have ballin-ass flights and ballin-ass hotels lined up and paid for, thanks to my mountain of frequent flier and frequent guest points, but everyone I know who had expressed interest has backed out. I've got a fucking suite in the Sheraton directly across from the fairgrounds and nobody is willing to pony up a few hundred bucks for a flight over. What the fuck? Weak. So, rather than go alone and all that shit, I'm just going to call it off and save my stuff for a different trip. I do want to go to Riga sometime though, so if anyone is down just holla at yo folk.
Anyway, I'm not sure if it was the Bible or the group Semisonic that said "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end", but either way in this case it's true. In November I'm going to Tokyo for a day, then Thailand for about 10, then to Hong Kong for 4 before coming back to the festering shit that is my job. Fuck. My job. My job is kind of like my ass; I need it, and ultimately having it pays off, but nothing good ever really comes out of it. Back on topic, Rori if you're reading this, make sure you're down for going out Nov 5th and hitting Indian buffet on the 6th for lunch. The canceling of the lone beerparty 5000 in Germany is being supplanted by a few weeks in the land without crackers. And by crackers I mean white people. You racist fucks.
Other than that nothing much has happened in the last few days, I'm mainly writing this so Lori has something to do for a few minutes. I did decide a couple weeks ago to quit shaving, and I'm not sure how it's working out. What little shit grows on my face seems to be some kind of reddish blonde color, and while I'd like to think it makes me look like Tom Sellick, the reality is it looks more like Glenn Hughes on a heroin binge. Having never let it grow before, I'm curious to see how this will play out; I mean, it can't cause me to be more pathetically single or have fewer girls spending the night, can it? As Thomas Jane in the Punisher said when asked what makes him different than other people who do bad (and in my case ugly dirt squirrel) stuff: "They have something to lose." As far as this is concerned, I don't.
Lately I've been considering writing a book. I have tons of ideas for stuff I think would be hilarious if worked into a larger story, like a movie or book, but so far I haven't put it all together. Something I thought of the other day that absolutely kills me takes place in the gym. Lets say these two dudes are working out, and one of them is having some sort of sexuality issues because he saw his stepfather getting out of the shower and is worried that means he's gay, and now all he sees is cocks everywhere. While he's working out, they move to the dumbbell press, and while this dude is lifting, he keeps imagining that instead of dumbbells he's grasping a dude's cock in each hand, and these dudes are just standing there talking about the weather to each other while he's all freaking out and shit. It then of course snaps back to reality where he's all freaked out and leaves, but walks through the locker room where there are naked dudes all around and he's trying not to look at their junk and shit but can't help it. That would be just one scene in my book/ movie, but the other 400 pages would be more of the same, though with fewer penii. That just seems hilarious to me. There would also be a lot of knocking down small children and old people and acting as if it were a normal part of life and no big deal. Not on purpose, but just as a result of the main character having no regard for others. Say if he were in line at Kroger to pay, and at the last second decided he wanted some Skittles, and then just pushed the cart of the old lady behind him out of the way, causing her to fall. As he turns back around he then accidentally knocks a couple Pepsi two liters onto her face as she lays in the floor unable to get up. Comedy gold. Shit.
It's my bedtime. Peace out.

Doing laundry sucks worse than your mother's X chromosomes.

2008-06-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

As you may have gleamed from the title, I have neither clean underwear nor respect for you mom. Sitting here at work, I am currently wearing the last clean pair of boxers I own; these are the back-up pair for the back-up pair. Truly today is a sad day.

I think I now know how homeless people must feel when they look back at their lives, trying to figure out when it all went wrong and hoping to answer the question "how could this happen to me?" When I look back, as they so often must (as they probably don't have anything better to do, what with no homes and all) I see a slow progression in my life from clean clothes to dirty. I can remember a time when my cabinets were overflowing with a bounty of fresh textiles of all shapes, sizes, and colors; socks and shirts three drawers wide and as many deep, all manner of garment and leather wear hanging in the closet, and a seemingly endless supply of undershirts and boxers, just waiting to be worn. Those were the glory days: days without worry, when nary a second thought was given to the availability of unsoiled items, days when the idea of doing laundry was but the twinkling of a distant star, days of a building hubris, the rising action leading ultimately to the story's climax. But those days were not to last, and in this tale clean shit was not long for this world.
Continuing to think on the matters of days past, I can recall my filthy linens hamper filling at precisely the same rate at which clean drawers were being depleted, and with each passing day the prior continued to fill as the latter steadily emptied. Running ever lower on staple garments, I told myself each night before drifting off to sleep that tomorrow I must end this. I had to cut off the tributaries to this ever-deepening pool of clothing, lest it's tide swell wash over me in a wave sleeves, consuming both me and my bed in a flood of zippers and buttons. The damn was ready to break. Despite my nightly oath to trim back the vines of cotton and wool that threatened to choke the light from my floor and desk, each morning was met with procrastination and indifference, my desire to do other things time and again overriding my need to clean. The sword to my Damacles would remain hovering overhead for yet another day.
The climax of this story came today, as I was forced, for the second time in as many mornings (and not unlike the aforementioned homeless people) , to wear unmatched socks. Luckily for me and my dignity, the socks in question are both grey, and differ only in the brand logo on the side. The casual observer would hardly notice the difference, but still, the very notion is kind of shitty and not above derision. If I saw someone wearing unmatched socks I would think him or her foolish and/or a fucking idiot. I don't want to be that guy.
Anyway, now it's dénouement time, and armed with a metric ass/shit/dick/fuck load of quarters, some liquid detergent, and the knowledge that I'll never get laid with my room looking like Baghdad, I am finally ready to confront my demons and perform a Springtime Fresh Tide laundry exorcism up in this bitch.
Word
Also, I have included a picture of some dude's locker at work. Magnets are fun.

Lead-acid bullshit.

2008-06-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

After spending the last decade or so resisting the doucheosity that is blogging, reading Rori's blog has inspired me to finally take up the pen so to speak and begin chronicling the daily sailings of the garbage scow that is life. What follows is the most interesting thing that has happened recently, but please bear in mind that interesting is a relative term and more than a little subjective.

So about a week ago as I was leaving Kroger around midnight I was confronted by someone who could only be described as a crazy bum. A literally crazy bum. Initially brushing him off I kept walking, making a more or less straight line to my car, dodging the crowd of illegals blasting Spanish rap out of their Hondas during their smoke break and trying not to step in what looked like chunder but was probably just a watermelon that had been dropped and left for dead.
Being the nice guy that I am, I felt bad about being such a complete dick. I looked back and saw that the guy was still stammering around in the same place as before, kind of listing back and forth trying to maintain something resembling an upright posture, but failing miserably to do so. This guy was clearly fucked up in the head. I could overhear him asking people for a jump, and I thought "hey, I'm nice as shit, I can at least give him a jump," so I went over and told him I'd help. At that moment his filthy dirtbag Caucasian friend showed up and pointed me to their car. His friend, an oil-smudged flannel-wearing stinky bastard, clearly the poor-man's Billy Ray Cyrus type, seemed nice enough, in that shitbag kind of way. Good people.
I popped my hood, and while I was moving my wallet, phone, coke rock, spoon, and anything else of value from my pocket to my console, Filthy McShitlife hooked up the jumper cables. When I walked around I saw that he had put all four clamps on the battery terminals, rather than using the engine block as a ground. I knew this was wrong and that he was either an idiot or a moron, but by then his car had started, so I just said 'fuck it' to myself and closed the hood. As I did so, Cletus (the white guy friend) had the audacity to ask me for gas money, and at this point I looked at him and drove away. What a worthless piece of shit.
Over the next few days my battery grew weaker and weaker, but it would gain strength when driven around for a while, so I reasoned that my alternator must be okay. Flash forward to Saturday morning when I (try to) leave work and find that my car is completely dead. Somewhere up there in heaven Anna Nicole is probably using my battery to start her car. At least in a perfect world that's what I'd like to think.
Anyway, being that it's 730 am on a Saturday and there are no buses, no taxis, and I have nobody's number (had just bought a new phone), I was fucked. I walked almost 5 miles home, thinking I would use my roommate's car to go buy a battery. He was out of town with work, so again I said 'fuck it' and I went to sleep. Adding insult to injury, I was completely out of food at home. I had jelly and an empty jar of peanut butter. Cereal and no milk. Cheese but no ham. Beer but no pretzels. Shit!! I had rice in the cabinet, but fuck a whole lot of rice boiling. Homey don't play dat (kids still say that, right? Rad). I ate a fun-sized bag of sunchips for lunch, and another for dinner, and let me assure you the name turned out to be more than a little misleading. Apparently fun doesn't mean what it used to.
That night I rode my bike to work, then had the VandyCops give me a jump the next morning, and from there I went to Wal-Mart to buy a battery. Hours later I'm back home at the pool drinking a few beers and just in general being a bad ass. Not a bad day.
This morning I get up and decide to ride my bike to the Y, but as luck would have it the motherfucker is still at work where I left it. So I ran back to work (which I have to say is a long-ass way away when you can't run for shit) then rode back home. I went to bed again. The Y, like intercourse with a girl, gainful employment, and world peace, will have to wait.